Do you know who am I

One guy was selected as a Trainee Clerk to a private company.
On his first day of work, in the afternoon he thought of ordering one coffee for himself. He called the pantry extension and said, "Please send one coffee."
The person from the other end: "What?"
Clerk: "Send me one coffee immediately."
The person from the other end: "Idiot, do you have any idea where you have dialled the number?"
Clerk, hesistating a little: "Pantry, of course."
The person from the other end fuming now said angrily: "This extension is for the managing director of the company and I am the Managing Dirctor."

After a few seconds the clerk said loudly, "And do you know who I am?"
Managing director" No..."
Clerk, "Thank God!"

and he kept the phone.

Life Before Computers

Here are some words which for us, whose work is very much related to computers, are for computers, but those were used for what purpose before the computer era.

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show.

Keyboard was on Piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.

Compress was what you did to garbage, Not something you did to a file.

A hard drive was a trip on the road.

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.

And a virus was the flu!

Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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The Accident

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident on the highway. Both the cars were totally demolished. Remarkably though, neither of them were hurt.

After crawling out of their cars, the women says:
"So, you're a man...that's interesting. I'm a woman. Oh My God, look at our cars, there's nothing left of them. This must be some sign from God that we should meet, be friends and live together the rest of our days."

Flattered by the suggestion, the man replied: "Indeed, I totally agree with you!".
"This really must be a sign from God," the woman continued, "because look at this - this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She then hands the bottle to the man. He nods in total agreement, opens it and takes a huge swig of the bottle, drinking nearly half of it in one go before handing it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren’t you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I’ll just wait for the police."

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How to go Heaven

Out of the mouths of babes comes the simple truth!

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

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Whats with You

A Sardarji and a Bengali, both suffering from serious diseases, share the same room in a hospital. They are taken violently ill and they cannot even utter a word.
After a few days of living together, the Bengali gets really bored and wants to start off a conversation with his fellow patient. He realises that he has not enough energy left to say a sentence; instead he just attempts to say a word.

After much effort he turns to the Sardarji, points his finger towards himself and says "Bengali".
Sardarji doesn't want to let the poor Bengali down who has struggled so hard to start a conversation. Sardarji musters all his energy and says "Punjabi" gesturing the same way as Bengali did.

Bengali is happy now and wants to continue the conversation. After much more effort this time he says, again pointing his finger towards himself "Sharath Bose." Sardarji after some effort says "Devindar Singh". Bengali is even happier that they now know each other's names.

After some time, Bengali turns towards Sardarji and mustering all his energy says "Cancer" - - again doing the same gesture as before.

Sardarji smiles and with some effort says "Scorpio."

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Not For You

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking wafting up from the kitchen. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking the cookies.With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Gasping for breath, he asked her,"Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."

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Whose Side You Are On

At a party, the host lady was in tension. Number of guests were much higher than what she had expected. She informed her husband that the food is not sufficient for all the guests.

The couple noticed that a big chunk of guests were not invited. The couple even didnt know them.

After sometime, the husband went to stage, and announced, "Everyone please seat down. I have an announcement to make. First, those from bride's side, please stand up.". Some 20-25 persons stood up.

Then he said, "Now those from groom's side, plesase stand up.". Another block of almost same number stood up.

The husband then said, "Those who are standing please leave, this is a birthday party."

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Hair Cut

There was a barber shop in a Bangalore. One day one pujariji went there for a hair cut. After the nice hair cut he asked the barber,went there for a hair cut. After the nice hair cut he asked the barber, "how much?"

The barber said with a smile, "No money for you. This is community service."

Next day the barber found a flower bouquet from the pujariji and note saying thank you.

Another day one gardener from the city garden went there for a hair cut. After the hair cut when he asked the barber about the money, barber again said with a smile, "No money for you. This is community service."

Next day the barber found a basket full of fruits from the gardener and a note saying thank you.

Another day, one software engineer from the city went there for a hair cut. After the hair cut he also got the same reply that "Its free as part of community service."

The next day when barber opened the shop, within half an hour he found,

18 software engineers with a printout of a forward mail stating the free haircut.

Whose Daddy Stronger

Paresh and Rakesh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.

Paresh: 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
Rakesh: 'Yes'.
Paresh: 'Well, my father dug it.'
Rakesh: 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'
Paresh: 'Yes.'
Rakesh: 'Well, my father killed it.'
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Good exercises

A Good Eye Exercise--See also the perfection in others, See theeverlasting beauty in human kindness.

A Good Tongue exercise--Speak from the heart instead of from the mouth.

A Good Facial exercise--Smile often repeated.

Hearing Exercise--When we speak we learn nothing. Listening is theteacher, Then speak.

Brain Exercise--Think only constructive thoughts Good reading is tothe mind what exercise is to the body.

Leg exercise--Walk towards knowledge, wisdom, health and brotherhoodof all men.

Breathing exercise-- Inhale the great works of music art, literatureand philosophy. Exhale spitefulness and other negative thoughts.

Strength exercise--Have the strength to endure when things areunendurable, to pass the next test after failing the recent one.

Heart exercise--Have the heart to "constructively" improve self, ourenvirnoment, community and country.

Good exercise--We are never alone, walk with God.

First to Know

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

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Doctors Say

When we brought our newborn son to the pediatrician for his first checkup,
the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."

Opportunity

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,
'Did yousee me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him and killed him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't,but my wife did.'

Tale of a Job Hopper

Some, rather most organizations reject his CV today because he has changed jobs frequently (10 in 14 years). My friend, the ‘job hopper’ (referred here as Mr. JH), does not mind it…. well he does not need to mind it at all. Having worked full-time with 10 employer companies in just 14 years gives Mr. JH the relaxing edge that most of the ‘company loyal’ employees are struggling for today. Today, Mr. JH too is laid off like some other 14-15 year experienced guys – the difference being the latter have just worked in 2-3 organizations in the same number of years. Here are the excerpts of an interview with Mr. JH:

Q1: Why have you changed 10 jobs in 14 years?
A: To get financially sound and stable before getting laid off the second time.

Q2: So you knew you would be laid off in the year 2009?
A: Well I was laid off first in the year 2002 due to the first global economic slowdown. I had not got a full-time job before January 2003 when the economy started looking up; so I had struggled for almost a year without job and with compromises.

Q3: Which number of job was that?
A: That was my third job.

Q4: So from Jan 2003 to Jan 2009, in 6 years, you have changed 8 jobs to make the count as 10 jobs in 14 years?
A: I had no other option. In my first 8 years of professional life, I had worked only for 2 organizations thinking that jobs are deserved after lot of hard work and one should stay with an employer company to justify the saying ‘employer loyalty’. But I was an idiot.

Q5: Why do you say so?
A: My salary in the first 8 years went up only marginally. I could not save enough and also, I had thought that I had a ‘permanent’ job, so I need not worry about ‘what will I do if I lose my job’. I could never imagine losing a job because of economic slowdown and not because of my performance. That was January 2002.

Q: Can you brief on what happened between January 2003 and 2009.
A: Well, I had learnt my lessons of being ‘company loyal’ and not ‘money earning and saving loyal’. But then you can save enough only when you earn enough. So I shifted my loyalty towards money making and saving – I changed 8 jobs in 6 years assuring all my interviewers about my stability.

Q6: So you lied to your interviewers; you had already planned to change the job for which you were being interviewed on a particular day?
A: Yes, you can change jobs only when the market is up and companies are hiring. You tell me – can I get a job now because of the slowdown? No. So one should change jobs for higher salaries only when the market is up because that is the only time when companies hire and can afford the expected salaries.

Q7: What have you gained by doing such things?
A: That’s the question I was waiting for. In Jan 2003, I had a fixed salary (without variables) of say Rs. X p.a. In January 2009, my salary was 8X. So assuming my salary was Rs.3 lakh p.a. in Jan 2003, my last drawn salary in Jan 2009 was Rs.24 lakh p.a. (without variable). I never bothered about variable as I had no intention to stay for 1 year and go through the appraisal process to wait for the company to give me a hike.

Q8: So you decided on your own hike?
A: Yes, in 2003, I could see the slowdown coming again in future like it had happened in 2001-02. Though I was not sure by when the next slowdown would come, I was pretty sure I wanted a ‘debt-free’ life before being laid off again. So I planned my hike targets on a yearly basis without waiting for the year to complete.

Q: So are you debt-free now?
A: Yes, I earned so much by virtue of job changes for money and spent so little that today I have a loan free 2 BR flat (1200 sq. feet) plus a loan free big car without bothering about any EMIs. I am laid off too but I do not complain at all. If I have laid off companies for money, it is OK if a company lays me off because of lack of money.

Q9: Who is complaining?
A: All those guys who are not getting a job to pay their EMIs off are complaining. They had made fun of me saying I am a job hopper and do not have any company loyalty. Now I ask them what they gained by their company loyalty; they too are laid off like me and pass comments to me – why will you bother about us, you are already debt-free. They were still in the bracket of 12-14 lakh p.a. when they were laid off.

Q: What is your advice to professionals?
A: Like Narayan Murthy had said – love your job and not your company because you never know when your company will stop loving you. In the same lines, love yourself and your family needs more than the company’s needs. Companies can keep coming and going; family will always remain the same. Make money for yourself first and simultaneously make money for the company, not the other way around.

Q10: What is your biggest pain point with companies?
A: When a company does well, its CEO etc will address the entire company saying, ‘well done guys, it is YOUR company, keep up the hard work, I am with you.” But when the slowdown happens and the company does not do so well, the same CEO etc will say, “It is MY company and to save the company, I have to take tough decisions including asking people to go.” So think about your financial stability first; when you get laid off, your kids will complain to you and not your boss.

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Va-rooooom!

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch.

Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down.

He greeted the officerwith a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander,"replied the officer.

"Having trouble taking off?"

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16 THINGS IT TAKES MOST OF US 50 YEARS (OR LONGER) TO LEARN

1. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the humanrace has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,that word would be "meetings."
2. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
3. People who want to share their religious views with you almostnever want you to share yours with them.
4. You should not confuse your career with your life.
5. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it tooseriously.
6. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always oneindividual who perceives a solution and is willing to takecommand. Very often, that individual is crazy.
7. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
8. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
9. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
10. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear andcompelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
11. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotelysuggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see anactual baby emerging from her at that moment.
12. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other peopleto make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above averagedrivers.
14. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
15. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not anice person.
16. Your friends love you, anyway.

My Little Angel's Tea

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe two and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing." My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy, and she watches him drink it.

Then my mom talks to my dad,

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Do Not Underestimate

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it on the field. The next day, kids showed up and saw the sign whichread :
”Warning! One of the watermelon in this field has been injected with cyanide”.

Kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign.
When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read

“Now there are two”.

Do not underestimate your opponent; it’s not just important to be smart to get rid of an opponent, but we should also be able to predict and foresee the other side’s smartness.

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