The Mother

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her."

.

Do you know who am I

One guy was selected as a Trainee Clerk to a private company.
On his first day of work, in the afternoon he thought of ordering one coffee for himself. He called the pantry extension and said, "Please send one coffee."
The person from the other end: "What?"
Clerk: "Send me one coffee immediately."
The person from the other end: "Idiot, do you have any idea where you have dialled the number?"
Clerk, hesistating a little: "Pantry, of course."
The person from the other end fuming now said angrily: "This extension is for the managing director of the company and I am the Managing Dirctor."

After a few seconds the clerk said loudly, "And do you know who I am?"
Managing director" No..."
Clerk, "Thank God!"

and he kept the phone.

Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

.

How to go Heaven

Out of the mouths of babes comes the simple truth!

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

.

Whats with You

A Sardarji and a Bengali, both suffering from serious diseases, share the same room in a hospital. They are taken violently ill and they cannot even utter a word.
After a few days of living together, the Bengali gets really bored and wants to start off a conversation with his fellow patient. He realises that he has not enough energy left to say a sentence; instead he just attempts to say a word.

After much effort he turns to the Sardarji, points his finger towards himself and says "Bengali".
Sardarji doesn't want to let the poor Bengali down who has struggled so hard to start a conversation. Sardarji musters all his energy and says "Punjabi" gesturing the same way as Bengali did.

Bengali is happy now and wants to continue the conversation. After much more effort this time he says, again pointing his finger towards himself "Sharath Bose." Sardarji after some effort says "Devindar Singh". Bengali is even happier that they now know each other's names.

After some time, Bengali turns towards Sardarji and mustering all his energy says "Cancer" - - again doing the same gesture as before.

Sardarji smiles and with some effort says "Scorpio."

.

Not For You

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking wafting up from the kitchen. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking the cookies.With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Gasping for breath, he asked her,"Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."

.

Whose Side You Are On

At a party, the host lady was in tension. Number of guests were much higher than what she had expected. She informed her husband that the food is not sufficient for all the guests.

The couple noticed that a big chunk of guests were not invited. The couple even didnt know them.

After sometime, the husband went to stage, and announced, "Everyone please seat down. I have an announcement to make. First, those from bride's side, please stand up.". Some 20-25 persons stood up.

Then he said, "Now those from groom's side, plesase stand up.". Another block of almost same number stood up.

The husband then said, "Those who are standing please leave, this is a birthday party."

.

Whose Daddy Stronger

Paresh and Rakesh were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.

Paresh: 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'
Rakesh: 'Yes'.
Paresh: 'Well, my father dug it.'
Rakesh: 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?'
Paresh: 'Yes.'
Rakesh: 'Well, my father killed it.'
.

First to Know

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"
"No, sir," replies the newbie.
"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.
"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.
"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

.

Doctors Say

When we brought our newborn son to the pediatrician for his first checkup,
the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."

Opportunity

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks,
'Did yousee me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him and killed him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't,but my wife did.'

Va-rooooom!

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch.

Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down.

He greeted the officerwith a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander,"replied the officer.

"Having trouble taking off?"

.

My Little Angel's Tea

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe two and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing." My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy, and she watches him drink it.

Then my mom talks to my dad,

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

.